Monday, June 27, 2011

Too fun

There's nothing like a stay in another country to bring perspective. Not sure what perspective exactly because I'm jet lagged and time crunched. Just that whatever I think I know, it looks entirely different from other points of view? That's something to celebrate for sure. I do not ever want to know it all because discovering new things is way too amazing. Here's hoping you get to see things anew. XO

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Not obliterating

Sarah says it's the solar flares that are causing all this agitation. It's also a full moon tonight. But honestly, I think it's mostly just human foibles. We can all be hot messes from time to time. Once we're into the mess, it's hard to find our way out without creating collateral damage. Direct attacks of the "You are so lazy/stupid/spoiled..." sort are way too easy for most of us mere mortals in relationships. Those sorts of attacks tend to leave a wake of broken and bloody feelings, which means we have to undo before we can even get back to the original plan. Trying to support and nurture a relationship's and a partner's journey to grow past obstacles.

So, I have my goal firmly in mind. Collaborate with my family to help identify and then bring about what we want to create. In the meantime, my job is to tend to myself so I can bring my best me to the table for that job. It can be tricky. I'm restoring by watching babies - because they are so real and like us only cuter. Baby inspiration works well for me. Fia has been it of late. Joy brother is Alder's new name. One minute she wants anything that he has just because he has it, throwing him on the ground or wailing at the top of her lungs to get him to hand it over; the next minute she's "softie-ing" his hair and calling him "joy brother". Isn't it just like that with all of us? One time our partner is crabbing, then he'll turn around and do or say something just exactly opposite of that to throw us off our game. Because humans are like that. Tricky.

Here's hoping you collaborate more than obliterate with your tricky clan. XOXO

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Growing here

Sometimes I can be such a rip. At Alder's #4 birthday party - a party Sarah threw at her own house, not mine, and a party I looked forward to almost as much as the birthday boy himself - I started ordering all 3 of my dauthers around like the queen of Sheba. I was even starting to honk my own self off. I get like that when I'm stressed out. Micromanaging details so I feel less out of control. Wish I could stop it. Sometimes I even apologize before hand when I see something tough on the horizon. I'm about to give you a really hard time. I don't want to, I'll try to behave, but I'll probably still take it out on you some way or other. I apologize in advance because I don't mean to do it.

I'm relating lately to my dad's self described foolish wish that I didn't love so many people so much. These last several days, I spent a lot of time at relationship tasks - funeral, birthday, tornadoe, hosting family from out of town... My favorite thing is tending to and factoring in the lives of my loved ones. Giving care. Honoring, respecting and valuing them. I'm so grateful to do that. And sometimes when it's like this, all at once plus tornadoes, I have to really work at taking care of myself as well. No good to others if I don't take care of myself. In fact, even if I'm taking good care of myself, I can still sometimes be a total rip, no good to others - to put it mildly - until I recover again.

There's always tension between me, you and us, and we need to be aware of all three to properly tend to them. I read a wonderful article about microboundaries, several of which I violated in the last many days. We violate others' microboundaries when we:

tell a loved one what to feel
claim to know what he feels
assume we know her thoughts, motives, wishes
negate or contradict his thoughts, wishes or feelings
speak for or tell the other what she feels
criticize his family of origin or friends
assume her experience of the same thing is the same as mine

In every difficulty there is opportunity for personal growth. I've been recently reminded that I still have plenty of personal growing to do. Wishing you fewer opportunities to learn to respect others' microboundaries, not too many opportunities to self correct when you mess it up, but the will to do it. XOXOXO