Monday, January 11, 2016

Little bit crazy

If I'm blessing your heart, it might be that your crazy is showing and you might want to tuck that back in a little bit.  Nothing wrong with assertive.  Nothing wrong with a little hissy fit or a big giant pity party, either, as long as you're prepared to apologize if it turns out it was your crazy showing instead of the other guy's.  Sometimes crazy sneaks up on the most polite and restrained, the most calm and composed.  Living out loud, right now, owning what is going on inside you can be tough.  Sometimes I don't know what's in my craw. Or even if I do, it may still come out a little sideways.  That can be tough on me and my loved ones.  But there are times when, being the messy critter I am, it either comes out or sits in there and festers.  What I resist, persists.  So, as well intentioned as I am, and as open as I am to what is going on inside myself, I still could be blessing your heart for no good reason and not even know it for a few hours - or even days.

Having operated this equipment for a while now, and being kind, gentle and fair - really, not kidding - I usually know when things start to tilt, and I tell my loved ones that it's coming as soon as I feel it.  I often apologize in advance because I don't know what will set me off nor how it will splat on someone, only that it probably will - sooner rather than later.  It's not what I plan to do, not what I wish for, and it is what it means to be human.  Sometimes things get messy.  So long as I own up, explain as well as I can, apologize, grovel a little and let it go, things usually work out.  I know the people who love me wish I could do better.  Head it off at the pass.  Be a little less enthusiastic in blessing their hearts.  I honestly do too.  Self correcting is important after you own up.  But so far - and I have been young for a long, long time, now, trying to self correct for quite a while - this seems to be the best I can do.  I can live with that.  Mostly, I keep the crazy tucked up just fine.  Sometimes it flaps in the wind.  It is what it is.

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