Assumptions

So, he said nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not "You OK?" "How did the tractor get into the pond?" "Don't worry, we'll fix it." "What do you think we should do?" Nothing. He just waded into the pond wearing his good shoes and dress pants, laid down in the shallow water and mud, fished his arm under the mower, unfastened and took off the mower deck then shoved the tractor out of the pond. Mud up to his knees. Then he laid down on the grass, refastened the mower deck, got on it, started the tractor and drove off. The waves of water, mud and anger were washing off him like sound waves after a huge bomb drops. He finished the entire lawn - which took another 45 minutes - before he made eye contact or spoke one word to any of us.

I can barely think about it without guffawing now. At the time, I was beyond furious and insulted by Dan's behavior. I speak about what's going on with me. I solve problems with words. If I stop talking, it's bad. Really, really bad. I've completely disengaged. So, I presumed he meant it that way too. In his defense, it was his brand new John Deere with a price tag that had several zeroes at the end. And it was stuck in the pond. Sarah had been mowing the walking path by the pond, backed up to get a section, thought she had it in forward - but it was in reverse. He realized something was up when he saw us three girls marching across the field as he was pulling in the drive wearing his nice work clothes. So it was a shock for him. But to me, hey, it's just a tractor. Relationships matter more.

Later, I realized that his silence was sincerely the best he had to offer and was a genuine effort at relationship - the opposite of what I assumed. He couldn't think of anything to say that would be remotely good, so he said nothing, drove until he cooled off, then asked questions later. There is no such thing as relationship without conflict and calamity. We really, really need relationship, but we could do without the assumptions or the tendency to attack each other rather than the problem. Here's wishing you some good stories to tell the grandkids. They offer many opportunities to examine your assumptions. XOXO