Goof

Big scary looking black mutt number one of our two dogs is an epic coward. Lucy sounds so fierce when someone knocks at the door, then she hunches behind me when they come in. "Go get 'em, mom!" Thunderstorms really flip her lid.  So this morning we had Loony Luce.  I went out onto the front porch and sat with her a bit to help her calm down.  Really glad I had the time to do it. Cool morning air, big, big world, awesome spring rain, dog leaning up against my legs for reassurance, tail thumping.  Lucy and I both felt soaked up in the moment, there on our mostly dry front porch. We could practically see the rain making the grass greener, unfurling the leaves on the trees and lilac bushes...

It's so easy to overlook, minimize, downplay splendid moments.  The story we tell ourselves is always running in our minds - even if we don't recognize it.  We have a permanent sports announcer, narrating our life to us, blow by blow, in the language we learned growing up. Because you learn what you live. Grow up in Russia, speak Russian. Since it's just you talking to you, it's easy to think it's more "honest" when you're critical or harsh.  You know that you thought ugly, embarrassing, icky things.  So only you can be honest with yourself and call yourself out for it, tell yourself the harsh truth. Especially if criticism is what you lived growing up, it can become your autopilot language.  How you view and speak about yourself and the world. Gotta stop that.

True feelings and old habits of thinking are not the only truth.  The way we describe an experience creates its meaning and therefore our feelings about it.  That thunderstorm/silly dog behavior this morning could have been "Sheesh I hate my dog. What did we do to make her such a nutcase?  When will it ever be really spring instead of just mud season?  It's the weekend already.  I only have a couple of days to work outside and now it's raining.  My whole day is gonna suck and my dog sucks, too."  See why gratitude practice is such a good thing?  If I started my day thinking like that, I could make my whole day suck.

After so many years, I had to really think to re-view my morning in that sorry, complaining way.  I no longer have to work to find good things.  They hijack me, like that soaked through feeling I had sitting outside in the rain with a neurotic dog.  But when you first start minding your thinking, being present and searching for the good is not easy.  You have to notice your thoughts, listen to the language you use to talk to yourself.  It's there, always in the background.  Recognizing the thoughts and tone of speaking to yourself may only happen after you've felt your mood dive South.  Go backwards in your mind to figure out the trigger.  A glimpse of your changed figure in a plate glass window?  An off handed comment someone made that triggered a quick, mean, knee jerk thought?  Then you have to honor that your thoughts feel true, and come from learning what you lived, even if they are sorry or complaining or mean as snot things you'd never say to anybody else.  You're not an idiot for doing this to yourself.  Everybody does. Next, interrupt the cycle and talk back to the true feelings with something else that is also true. Don't lie to yourself, but be nice and dwell on the good. Over and over and over and over again. Like you're learning to speak Chinese. We'll talk more about all that tomorrow.  XO